Ever been asked to tell the whole truth?
With the help of Stokesy, we've decided to help you out in an interview.
I can't believe they didn't offer me the job.
1. "Tell me about yourself..."
Chicks dig me. Oh, hang on, no, that was Bill Murray in Stripes.
I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. I’m not much into yoga, I am into champagne.
Well I’m the type of guy who never settles down. I’m never in one place, I roam from town to town. I guess I am some sort of wanderer or something.
My hobbies include, but are not limited to, masturbating and screaming.
2. "Why are you leaving your current position?"
A change is as good as a holiday and I am out of annual leave at my current job.
I hate work. I never anticipated that I would fail to win Powerball and remain a wage slave for my entire life.
I got sick of the restaurants that were open for lunch around my old workplace.
3. "What do you consider your most significant accomplishment?"
I once met ‘The Rock’.
I have never been arrested for anything I actually did.
4. "Why do you believe you are qualified for this position?"
Why do you believe it?
I’m not a slack jawed yokel like the people I saw on the way in here.
I went to university champ, how hard is it to sell hamburgers?
5. "Have you ever accomplished something you didn't think you could?"
I once managed to drag myself out of bed to attend a job interview for a job I didn’t even want. In fact it was just this morning.
I once convinced a woman to…um… actually no.
6. "What do you like/dislike most about your current or last position?"
My boss. He can be a real jerk-off.
I have to go like every day. I mean every fucking day dude!
When they called me at home and said that not only do I have to come in every day, but at nine a.m as well, I knew it was time to quit.
7 . "How do you handle pressure? Do you like or dislike these situations?"
I find booze usually works, although sometimes I need something stronger.
I love high pressure situations at work – you can get away with the craziest shit while everyone is panicking.
Once I completed my "at desk" masturbating session while talking to my boss on Skype.
Now that was pressure!
8. "The sign of a good employee is the ability to take initiative. Can
you describe a situation where you did this?"
A guy at my last interview asked me this question and I immediately punched him in the face. In retrospect that freed me up to apply for this job, so it worked out great.
Where I last worked last year we were doing nothing for the Melbourne Cup. I brought a six-pack and drank it under my desk.
Also, my previous work put a porn firewall on the company network.
I waited till the System Admin went to lunch and then went down and disabled it.
An initiative that my fellow employees really appreciated.
9. "What was the worst/most embarrassing situation of your career? How
would you have done things differently with 20/20 hindsight?"
At the Christmas party one year I faxed a photocopy of my arse to everyone on the management team. On reflection I should have waxed beforehand.
10. "How have you grown or changed over the past few years?"
I got one of those penis enlargers on the internet. My wife says it hasn’t made a difference but sometimes I think it has.
No, I sprung from the womb perfectly formed.
11. "What do you consider your most significant strength?"
100% self actualisation.
If I grow my hair really long I am able to slay 300 people with the jawbone of an ass.
My right hand.
12. "Do you have any weaknesses? If so, what are they?"
Chocolate cake, whole cream milk and heroin.
If you tickle me I will wet my pants.
My left hand.